Anticipating..

We leave for Houston tomorrow for a much anticipated visit with a geneticist and pediatric cardiologist.  I have a million things to do to get ready.  It's 9:30 pm, I haven't even begun packing.  My mind just won't stop racing.  Ethan said something tonight that stopped me in my tracks.  I haven't been able to function normally ever since.  He said, "Mommy, do you want to have any more kids?"  I explained that I am not able to have any more kids because my body couldn't handle it. (4 C-Sections and a very thin uterus lining).  I then asked him why he wanted to know.  "Well, I want you to have another boy so I could have another brother."  I said, "But Ethan, you already have a brother."  "But, mom..he has a heart condition and can't play sports with me.  So, I need another one that I could play sports with."  My heart sunk with sadness.  I know that Ethan isn't old enough to really understand what's going on.  It's a lot for a 7 year old to comprehend.  After a big gulp, I began to explain to Ethan all of the things he would be able to do with Chase.  He seemed satisfied and quickly moved on, but I just can't stop thinking about it.  Just last week, Ethan said, "Mom, I can't wait to die."  "Ethan, what are you talking about?"  "When I die, I get to be with Chase and his heart will be better so I can play sports with him in Heaven."  Such a heart wrenching and sweet moment, but, how do I respond to this?  I feel like for the first time since I became a mom that I'm completely winging it.  I feel so inadequate, so ill-equipped.  There are so many questions in my mind about Chase that are unanswered. 

Just venting.  I wasn't expecting that one tonight.

So, tomorrow we embark on a journey to one of the top cardiomyopathy centers in the world.  I have no idea what to expect.  We are hoping to get a lot of answers and even more good news.  

Chase, I know you don't understand or know this quite yet, but you are one very very loved little boy.  Your brother and sisters fight over who gets to play with you every minute you are awake.  Your dad lights up just at the very sight of you.  Your radiant and very silly smile is infectious.  As challenging and stubborn of a stage you are in right now, my heart is bursting with love for you.  I want nothing more than to protect you from hurt, from pain, from sorrow or sadness.  I will do everything in my power to make sure you always know just how special you really are.  I am so blessed to be your mother.  You made me a heart mom...and I am one of the lucky ones.